I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
as a side note pls kill me
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