i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
