You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He passed out mid-signature
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
