I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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