I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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