So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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