I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
