this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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