Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
