Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
