I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just invented taco cereal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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