I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
