she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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