I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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