Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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