took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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