I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
