when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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