Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
