I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
