Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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