He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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