the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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