I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
