i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
