Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
