You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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