the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
