he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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