we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
