dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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