Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
