Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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