How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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