When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What a dumb baby whore.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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