Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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