We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
