I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
