Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
