I cannot find my penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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