I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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