Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
