I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
