Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
