4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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