And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
