I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
