It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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