Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
