Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
