my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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