Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
