The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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